Reflections on the Embodying True Nature Consciousness Transformation Retreat 

Before leaving for the retreat, a number of people both in Peru and here in the United States, asked me to tell them about my experience when I returned. Some expressed interest in possibly attending the retreat. This writing includes information about the structure of the retreat as well as some highlights of my experience. Some of what I write is quite personal, as I am writing in part for my own remembering of the experience. Some is informational, as I am also writing to fulfill my promise to those who wanted to know about the retreat. Please feel free to read only the sections that are of interest to you.

 

Paititi Institute’s website is very informative. http://paititi-institute.org/

To go directly to the retreat I attended:

http://paititi-institute.org/consciousness/embodying-true-nature-retreats/

The Back Story: How I Heard About the Retreat

 

Although I consider myself to be someone who is open to different experiences, this retreat was probably the most unique experience I have had in many years. I feel that my life experiences prepared me for the retreat--in particular, six years living on 40 acres in Albion, CA; attending many residential Buddhist retreats, some in the desert with limited amenities; and my home being on Mount Tamalpais. However, if I had not had cancer in 2008-09, I might not have attended.

 

When I went through cancer treatment, a Chinese Medicine doctor I consulted told me that I should take a month off each year and focus on one thing. Though I fully agreed that having a month-long break from my work and daily life to cleanse physically, emotionally and spiritually would be a healthy choice, in eight years, I never followed through. But it was something I wanted to do. So in 2011, when two friends/colleagues invited me to join them on a trip to an Expressive Arts Therapies Conference in Peru, I accepted. Though not a month long retreat, it was an opportunity to have a break and explore a new part of the world.

 

When undergoing cancer treatment, I worked with a naturopath who gave seminars in Recall Healing (originally called German New Medicine and later Total Biology). Recall Healing teaches that all illness is related to trauma in one's life and/or one's lineage. My teacher told me that illness in the fallopian tubes, where my cancer originated, was related to "reputation," and we traced how this might have been an issue in my and my ancestor’s lives. To my surprise, when I was in Lima, Peru I met two women who volunteered at a free clinic that offered this same work.

 

One of the women told me that after having a malignant lump removed from her breast, she refused further treatment and went to the jungle to work with a shaman. Through her work in the jungle, she came to understand the cause of the breast cancer. She felt confident that having brought those issues into awareness, she was cancer free. I listened with interest, tucking this information away. I believed that through the Recall Healing work, therapy and psychodrama, I had a good understanding of why I had cancer. But I wondered if there was more to unearth.

 

In 2012, I saw the movie Sacred Science at a local theater. Roman Hanis, the retreat leader, was at the screening and spoke after the film. Sacred Science is a documentary of eight North Americans with various medical and psychological diagnoses that Roman brought to his center, which was then located in the Amazon jungle. The participants each stayed in their own hut and worked with a group of shamans as well as with Western doctors for 30 days.

 

To watch the film go to:

http://www.thesacredscience.com/screening_watchnow/ or

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5RIaFVaGeM

 

Being only a few years post-cancer treatment, I thought how wonderful it would be to have an opportunity to attend this kind of retreat. I liked the fact that people were away from their everyday lives, in a remote area, working with plants and herbs, and eating a clean diet. They were having daily check-ins with Roman and others and had plenty of time and encouragement to do their inner work.  One thing that I do not remember noticing in the film was the Ayahuasca plant ceremonies. It was only when I started reading more about the Paititi retreat that I realized that Ayahuasca and San Pedro plant ceremonies were an integral part of the journey.

 

After seeing the film, I signed up to receive the Paititi newsletter. Each issue, I looked for a retreat that was similar to the one described in the movie, but never saw one. Then one day last winter I noticed an announcement for the Embodying True Nature Consciousness Transformation Retreat. This retreat was not for people who were ill, and there were no Western doctors. There were two shamans, Roman and a woman from the Shipibo tribe, Matilda, who was there for the first two weeks. (Matilda has her own healing center in Iquitos.) However, there were many ways in which it was similar to the retreat in the film. As it turned out, the Embodying True Nature Consciousness Transformation Retreat had been offered numerous times in the past five years, but I never noticed it. I can only conclude that I saw it when I was ready!

 

 

What Inspired Me to Go

 

Though there are many wonderful aspects of my life, I was feeling stuck at the time, far from my “true nature.” I was aware that my nervous system was vibrating at a higher speed than was healthy. My life was out of balance. I was exhausted, sometimes irritable and aware my priorities were off. I had a gratitude practice, but at times I felt even disconnected from that. I knew I needed to make changes but was unsure how. I wanted to be more connected to nature and to my spirituality.

 

When I was diagnosed with cancer in December 2008, I did not think I would survive the diagnosis or the treatment. I believe my surgeon also thought my prognosis was poor. I try and reflect on my experience with cancer daily, so as to remind myself how precious life is and of the Buddhist teaching of impermanence, how we don’t know how long we will be here. This reflection reminds me to connect more deeply to the preciousness of life. I knew this all in my head, but I wanted to experience it in my body. There was a disconnection between my mind and my body and spirit.

 

In the application we are asked to list our goals, what we want to work on and how the retreat will benefit us. Below is part of my response:

Both of my parents were Holocaust survivors who lost their spouses, children, siblings and parents. Though I have done a lot of work grieving and working through this trauma, I imagine there is more to be released. I would like the time and space to go deeper in my healing process. 

One of the effects of my childhood was that I often feel alone in the world. I would like to feel more connected, joyous, positive and appreciative of all the wonderful things life has to offer. 

I look forward to living simply, close to the earth and connecting to her. I imagine it will be challenging at times, but welcome the opportunity to slow down and be with myself.

What inspires me to apply is the hope that through the retreat, I will grow deeper in my understanding of myself and of the universe. I hope to release what holds me back and keeps me stuck. I hope to evolve and expand, in ways that perhaps I am not even aware of. I am open for something new.

 

The Setting and Amenities

 

The retreat took place on 4000 acres in the Mapacho Valley of the Peruvian Andes bordering the Manu National Reserve.  The website states that this land, located in the Machu Picchu region, has been a cradle of Incan and pre-Incan civilizations for thousands of years and is known in the area as the historical location of the Incan trail (Capagñan) into Paititi (the enlightened realm). Our Apu’s (mountain’s) ancient name is Larapata Hatunpata meaning -Lara (Noble) Pata (Elevated) Hatun (Great) Pata (Elevated). At its base is the most sacred river to the Quero, Machiguenga and Huachipari tribes, the River Mapacho, at 1800 meters elevation; at the land’s peak we border one of the largest reserves of South America, Manu, at an altitude of around 3800 meters.

 

From the city of Pisac in the Sacred Valley, we traveled five hours by van through winding mountain roads. At one turn, a road sign informed us that we were at an altitude of 15,000 feet. We stopped at a small town at 10,000 feet and then hiked down about five hours to get to the retreat center at 6000 feet.

 

From the base camp of the center, it was a 15-minute walk down to the Mapacho River. We could always hear its fast moving water. To get anywhere at the retreat center, you had to walk either up or down the steep mountain. The only level land was where structures were built.

 

There was a small solar power system that fueled some lights in the temple, which is where we ate, held our meetings and ceremonies, and sometimes even slept. There were composting toilets and simple outhouses, all requiring squatting.  There were two solar showers. However, after taking my first very cold shower--you have to get the timing just right to get hot water--I chose to either have sponge baths in my hut or bathe in the creek. An added benefit of the creek was that it was beautiful, calming and soothing. The water was crystal clear, and there were tarps hung for privacy.

 

There was no refrigeration. But Elton, our one-star Michelin chef (and talented musician), was a master at cooking just the right amount of food for the 27 people on the land. There were chickens and ducks and three dogs that also helped with finishing up any leftovers. The food was vegan (perfect for me as I have been a vegan since 2009), simple and delicious. There were, however, quite a few days when we were on a restricted “dieta” appropriate for ceremonies. On those days we ate mostly, as Elton described it, “delicious sprouted quinoa,” soaked quinoa cooked with no salt or oil. This was supplemented with grilled yucca and plantain, also with no salt or oil.  I was happy with the food, but some participants had cravings for pizza, hamburgers, chocolate, etc.

 

Most people slept in tents at designated campsites. In addition, there were four, and by the end of the retreat, six huts. Because I was an “elder,” I got to sleep in a hut. This was a one-room structure built from mostly natural material found on the property--mud and grasses. The pitched roof was made of wood framing and covered with grass. There was a space between the top of the walls and the roof. This made it easy for bats to fly in and out. I was told about them when I was first shown to my hut. “Bats live in the ceiling but they won’t bother you,” the service team member who took me to the hut said. I didn’t hear the bats, but each morning there were empty seedpods on the floor and on top of the mosquito netting that hung over my bed. After two weeks, I could not get the top of my mosquito netting clean. It had very dark goo on it and I wondered if it was bat droppings. I told a core team member and was assured it was just seeds from the pods. Even so, the service team put up a tarp near the ceiling. I never saw another empty pod shell. I was grateful that I could actually keep my hut clean after that and wished I had spoken up earlier.

 

My hut had a platform with a foam mattress, a sheet and a pillow. Also, there was a low bench I could sit on while I wrote or washed. Since there were no chairs anywhere, with the exception of one or two in the office for working on the computer, I felt very fortunate to have something elevated and solid to sit on. I am not used to always sitting on the floor. It was a bit hard on my knees.

 

The temple was the main structure on the land. It was built with the same materials as my hut, but most of the walls were only about three or four feet and then changed to screening. The high walls were painted with murals of Green Tara and the condor, eagle and snake. It felt like being inside but very close to nature. It had a tin/metal roof that made a loud sound when raining. The floor was covered with brightly colored Peruvian rugs, none of them larger than 6 X 8 feet. The atmosphere in the temple was colorful and warm.

 

There were biting bugs. I was told they were gnats. Though I never saw them biting, I was pretty well covered with bites on my hands, ankles and feet.  Other parts of my body faired a bit better. I had heard stories of the variety of bugs in the previous jungle retreat location and was grateful to be in the mountains.

 

Because of the remote location, there was limited internet access. Before the retreat we gave the staff emergency contact information and were encouraged to plan on being offline. I was able to send my partner Sheryl two brief emails from the Paititi computer, telling her that I arrived and that all was well. But other than that, I was not on the internet including email. It was a wonderful respite.

 

In addition to the Paititi residents, Bralio, a Peruvian man lived on the land. Paititi  purchased the land from his uncle. Bralio stayed on as a caretaker and lived in a house about a 30-minute walk from the temple. His family lived in town so his children could attend school. We would occasionally see him or some other locals who lived further up the mountain walking by the temple, sometimes with their burros. Once a teacher visited with about 15 young students. The Institute has many ideas for working with the school children including teaching them permaculture, art, music and meditation. The children walked at least an hour to get to Paititi. Roman said we were the first “Gringos” or Westerners some had encountered.  At night, I could only see one light on the mountain, way in the distance. It didn’t look like anyone lived on the mountain, but there were people who lived there and worked the land. I was amazed when we came across people walking up and down the mountains as a regular part of their day and reflected on how humans were not made to be sedentary.

 

 

Structure of Days with No Ceremonies

 

Most days began with a wake-up call by one of the staff blowing a ram’s horn. At around 8:30am, we had the second horn-blowing to let us know it was breakfast time. When we were not on “dieta,” the breakfast was oatmeal, chocolate oatmeal, amaranth, soaked raisins, figs and soaked chia seeds.  At around 1pm, we were again summoned for what was called a snack. It could be corn in various forms or grilled yucca or plantain with oil and salt.

 

After breakfast and/or lunch, Roman would give a talk about Buddhism/ancestral Ando-Andean principles that often included a Buddhist reading. Some days he analyzed our dreams spending about two hours with each person as we all listened. We had sharing circles. We did breath work and various forms of movement.

 

Dinner was around 4:30pm and included delicious soups, salad, avocado dressing (from the avocados growing all over the land), rice, a grain salad, etc. Sometimes Elton made a special bread or on very rare occasions, a sweet treat. Dinner was the highlight of the meals. After dinner, just as it was getting dark, we generally had free time. We were encouraged to be by ourselves and not idly chat with others. Sometimes I would go to my hut and meditate, write or do the remembrance practice (See Other Practices for description). But other times I felt pulled to hang out with the younger folks who loved staying in the temple and talking.  My evenings almost always ended with a stop at the meditation lookout spot which was located just minutes before I reached my hut. Regardless of what time of day I stopped there--it was beautiful.

 

Roman Hanis and the Teachings; The Leadership Team and Service Staff

 

Roman Hanis, 39 years old, is the leader of the retreat and the founder of Paititi Institute. Born in Moldova, his family moved to Israel when he was 12, and to NYC at 19. At a young age he was diagnosed with Crone’s disease.  Though he had the best medical doctors, his symptoms persisted. At the age of 22, he was told that he needed the first of what would likely be many surgeries to remove a section of his large intestines. He decided to go to Peru instead and his work with shamans and plant medicines began. NYC doctors confirmed that he was cured in less than a year. On my retreat, he told the group that the biggest reason he healed was that he figured out that being sick was a way to get attention in his troubled family. He believed, as I do, that this was more important than his genetic pre-disposition.

 

Roman has been studying Tibetan Buddhism for over 20 years. He believes that the indigenous people of Peru were connected with the peoples of the East and that the principles of Buddhism are the same as the principles of the ancestral Andean and Amazonian people. As the title of the retreat states, the goal of the retreat was to embody your true nature through transforming your consciousness. According to Roman, Tibetan Buddhism, and ancestral Ando-Amazonian teachings, your true nature is love. The goal of the retreat was to learn how to be present and to keep the heart open. To “rest in what is.”

 

Most of Roman’s teachings were familiar to me from my study and practice of Buddhism. Still, it was helpful to hear them again and have time to practice. All of our practices in the retreat supported these teachings:

 

- Experiences with people throughout our lives, and particularly in our childhoods, form our personality and our conditioned mind. Rather than turn away from our conditioning, we can bring awareness to it and accept ourselves fully. In this way, we can use all experiences as a vehicle for awakening.

 

- We are one with nature. Within us, we have the stability of the mountains, the fluidity of the water, the flexibility of the trees in the wind and the spaciousness of the sky.

 

-We are the connection between heaven and the earth.

 

- All problems come from separation. There is no duality. There is no separation between us. We are mirrors of each other.

 

In addition to the Buddhist/Indigenous Ando-Amazonian teachings, the Paititi Community has developed a set of agreements about how to live in community. These agreements have evolved over the past five years through collective experiences. We reviewed them at the start of the retreat and after two weeks, during a coca circle we shared how we each were experiencing them.

The Paititi Community Agreements are:

1. Own your own experience and respect the experience of others.

2. Be transparent. No hiding.

3. Be in integrity and 100% responsible.

4. Honor your true self.

5. Practice Presence with self and others.

6. Take initiative and be engaged.

 

To see a description of the meaning of each agreement go to:

http://paititi-institute.org/how-to-create-sustainable-relationships-for-living-in-a-community/

 

Roman had four apprentices working with him. Along with Roman, they constituted the core leadership team. The apprentice program is three years. Stella, Elton, Mark and Anthony were supportive, open and honest. Each was committed to integrating the teachings and the group agreements into their lives.

 

For more information about Roman and the core team:

http://paititi-institute.org/who/the-paititi-family/

 

There was also a service team that cooked, cleaned, gardened, took care of the animals and anything else that needed to be done. Some of the service team had been on the retreat in previous years. They rotated participating in ceremonies and attended many of the lectures. They were kind, supportive and generous in their acts of service.

 

One disappointment was that the core leadership team and the service team each only had one woman. Cynthia, Roman’s wife generally co-leads the retreat with him, but was home taking care of their newborn baby. Thankfully, more than half of the 13 retreat participants were women which helped balance the energy.

 

 

The Plant Medicine Ceremonies

 

We had ceremonies with Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Coca and Cacao.  All of these plant medicines were used to enhance our basic practices of opening our hearts and staying present.

 

Roman told us that it is a misconception that plants heal you. Instead, plants are different manifestations of Great Spirit personality and different plants communicate different aspects of what we need. Unless consciousness is directly involved, the plant will be like a pharmaceutical, only dealing with the symptom. Ayahuasca is a diagnostic tool, pointing the way to where you need to grow. He believed that by doing the remembrance practice and working with the other tools, we engage the healing process. The work needs to continue after we go home, since   the real discipline is your life. The biggest challenge is always to take what you learned, what you experienced, and bring it into your everyday life.

 

 

Ayahausca Ceremonies

 

Research shows that Ayahausca has been used across the Amazon since 1500-2000 B.C. I was surprised to learn that in 2008, psychology professor Benny Shanon published a controversial hypothesis that a brew similar to Ayahuasca was used in early Judaism. The effects of this brew were responsible for some of the most significant events of Moses' life, including and particularly his vision of the burning bush speaking to him.

 

For more information: https://www.zamnesia.com/content/127-history-of-ayahuasca

 

Ayahuasca is a vine. To use it in ceremony, it is smashed and cooked with other plants until it has a syrupy consistency. We had seven Ayahuasca ceremonies, the final three held on consecutive nights. It is difficult to describe my experience. The ceremonies were beautiful and also challenging.

 

Before each ceremony, we were invited to set an intention. On the afternoon after the ceremony, we shared our experiences in a circle and Roman reflected on what we said as a way to expand on his teachings. I came to understand that our intentions should always include being present and opening the heart. In other words, rather than pushing away an experience, be with it. This is also a way to live everyday life! Roman said Ayahuasca ceremonies were a way to practice being with life’s hardships. Dying can also be very difficult. So it is also a way to prepare for death. Reflecting on this supported my journeys.

 

The hardest part of the Ayahuasca ceremonies was physical. I accepted that purging was often part of the experience. But sometimes it was painful to purge or I could not purge, even though I wanted to. Being able to focus on keeping my heart open and staying present to my physical sensations was challenging and at the same time helpful. I can’t say I always accomplished it, but it gave my mind a more skillful place to focus.

 

After the first ceremony, Roman told us that if we feel we are going to purge, to identify exactly what we were purging: what limiting conditioning or beliefs we were letting go. He strongly believed that purging and whatever pains the body experienced during the ceremony were all part of the body releasing what was unhealthy. This gave me a different way to look at purging. As I became more experienced, I got somewhat better at staying open and curious about how I was feeling. I took my time identifying what I was letting go of, releasing from my body, spirit and psyche. It felt a lot better to purge when I did this.

 

After purging, which I did in all but one ceremony, my experience would often be subtle. For example, in a couple of ceremonies, my intention was to learn how to access my wise elder. Throughout the ceremony, I asked Grandmother Ayahuasca (the spirit of the vine) to show me what I needed to know. But it seemed to me that nothing much was happening. Gradually I realized that I was being shown how to slow down and be present. I got it: this is what I needed to do to access the wise elder. When I run around, I can’t find her. This message came through a number of times. It was not a strong clear message. I had to interpret it by noticing what was happening to me. I wondered (and continue to ponder) how I can slow my pace enough in everyday life! On retreat my pace was totally different. I was relaxed and rarely felt rushed or pressured.

 

I experienced some visual hallucinations of shapes and colors, some of which I could not interpret. Grandmother Ayahuasca also showed me funny images and tricks, which I took to mean she was telling me to have fun and laugh.

 

There were also some ancestral images or energies of people who were killed in the Holocaust. At one point I felt the presence of my five siblings who were killed, and then other relatives who perished in the war. It was more of a feeling--an energy--than actually seeing faces or meeting them. Still, it felt good to connect with them. I have to admit that sometimes I could not tell if it was really happening or if I was making it up. But I came to trust the experience. And as I write, I feel that some hole or gap I have always had because I never knew them and because of how they died, is slightly filled. So I choose to trust and nurture that.

 

Most of my experiences in the Ayahuasca ceremonies were about being present, loving and connecting to nature, to myself and to others. In one ceremony, one at a time, I called to mind all the people in my life. I felt full, experiencing how much I loved each one. I sent each love and a prayer to be happy, peaceful and free from suffering (the Buddhist prayer of loving-kindness). It was a beautiful experience and I am grateful to remember it as I write.

 

 

San Pedro Ceremonies

 

We had three San Pedro ceremonies. Whereas Ayahuasca ceremonies started at 10pm until about 5am and took place in total darkness, San Pedro ceremonies began at breakfast, with the San Pedro cactus being our “breakfast of champions.” These ceremonies lasted the entire day and since there was daylight, we could see each other. The ceremony ended with the service team serving up a beautifully prepared dinner, sometimes including delicious chocolate made by Mark, one of the apprentices. After we ate, Roman encouraged us to stay up all night and ask questions, which I did once or twice.

 

During the day, we did breath work, chi gung, took walks to the river, sometimes spontaneously going into the water. We sang, danced, laughed, etc. I enjoyed the San Pedro ceremonies. They were light and joyous and opened my heart in a different way than Ayahuasca. I felt delight as we followed Roman playing his wooden flute, leading us single file down the path to the river. I felt as if we were children or wood nymphs, following the pied piper through the woods.

 

San Pedro helped me experience my favorite of Roman’s teachings: We are one with nature. Within us, we have the stability of the mountains, the fluidity of the water, the flexibility of the trees in the wind and the spaciousness of the sky. There was no separation between the natural elements and me. I felt and believed this.

 

For the first two San Pedro ceremonies, we took the medicine in a dried powder form. On the last one, we had fresh cactus that we helped prepare. I found the fresh cactus much stronger. I had to sit down more and rest, as I felt unsteady on my feet. But I still enjoyed the experience. I never purged on San Pedro though a few people did. So overall, it was not as physically challenging as the Ayahuasca ceremonies.

In addition to the three full-day San Pedro ceremonies, we also participated in a different kind of San Pedro experience.  For three consecutive mornings, we were given a small “therapeutic” dose of San Pedro.  We were told to spend time alone doing the remembrance practice. I spent quite a few hours each day in my hut writing, grieving, rejoicing and reflecting. I used the time well. The small amount of San Pedro supported my practice. It was easy to stay focused and connect with my feelings.

 

Through both Ayahuasca and San Pedro ceremonies, I learned what consciousness means to me. I came to understand consciousness as experiencing the world though a different lens, with full awareness, seeing clearly. It is about knowing that we are all connected…not just in our heads, but also in our being. To know that each person is just a reflection of me—that if someone is unkind or unconscious they are showing me that identical part within myself. When I see the world in this way, I am peaceful, no longer separate.

 

 

Coca and Cacao Ceremonies

 

Roman said the coca plant was a gift to humans from the daughter of the Inca Sun God Inti. He also quoted a 1500-year-old prophecy that stated that someday humans would turn coca white and it would bring destruction. This is referring to people making cocaine from coca leaves--remarkable!

 

We chewed the leaves, and sometimes had powdered ground coca. I never grew to love the taste, but I got used to it. We also had coca tea most days, which I enjoyed. Many Peruvians chew coca and the nicer hotels have coca tea brewing in the lobby to help with altitude sickness.

 

We were encouraged to chew coca as much as possible, as it would heal a multitude of ailments. Coca also helps us open to wisdom, compassion and love. In the coca circles, we chewed the leaves as we engaged in focused discussions.

 

We also participated in ,cacao ceremonies. Cacao originates in the Amazon and has been used by societies of Mexico, Central America and South America for thousands of years as food, medicine and a currency. At the retreat, cacao would be brewed into a strong hot chocolate drink and served for breakfast. One time, when I went for seconds after having a quarter of a cup, my stomach hurt for a little while. I did not expect the cacao to be so strong. After we drank the cacao, we practiced breath work, yoga or chi gung to activate the cacao.

 

My experience with both coca and cacao was that they raised my level of presence and awareness, and were energizing. Coca was a more calm and subtle experience.

 

 

Remembrance and Other Practices

 

The first full day of the retreat we were told to start our remembrance practice. On the website this is described as: Remembering foundation (release of personal history)--an energetic remembering, dissolution of subconscious limitation and letting go of emotional tensions held in one’s past.

 

We were told to list all the people we had ever known in order to understand what we learned through these relationships, what they taught us about opening or closing our hearts. We were to remember what happened that caused us to believe that we are separate and taught us to put walls around our hearts. The goal was to bring awareness to the conditioned patterns of responses we developed and how these helped us survive, but were no longer helpful or needed.

 

For a complete list of the other practices, some of which I have mentioned, scroll down to Background and Tools at:

http://paititi-institute.org/consciousness/embodying-true-nature-retreats/

 

 

Three Personal Stories

 

Story 1: Non-Duality and How We are All Connected

 

During the Ayahuasca and San Pedro ceremonies, we were encouraged to sit up. Roman said that sitting up contributes to raising the energy for everyone. That made sense, since if everyone was lying down or asleep the energy would be more like a slumber party. For a few ceremonies, I sat next to a woman who was a trapeze performer, and though she experienced some pain in her body, she had the stamina and the discipline to remain sitting up. Being next to her inspired me to make more of an effort to sit up. Then another participant took a seat in between us. She announced to the group that she had no intention of sitting up. She said she gets overwhelmed and needs to lie down and was definitely going to do that. Indeed, it seemed she had been lying down during pretty much every Ayahuasca ceremony.

 

At some point during one of the ceremonies, I was struggling to remain sitting. I looked over at her lying down and then at the woman who was on her other side, the trapeze performer who was, as usual, sitting up straight. I started to judge the woman next to me, thinking: It is not right! She should try and sit up! Then I laughed at myself and remembered my intention, to open my heart and stay present. I reflected on how this woman lying next to me, whom I cared about deeply and really enjoyed, was a part of me. And that sometimes I lie down and sometimes I sit up. And sometimes she sits up and I lie down. We are all part of a whole. It does not matter if she is lying down. It will soon be me lying down....which it was!

 

As I write this, it seems so basic. And it is. Yet, I know I can be judgmental and distance myself over something so small. It can be subtle--a turning away from, a closing of my heart. It was so freeing to feel the energy flowing through me, to experience an open heart and see myself mirrored in others. I acknowledged to myself how much I admired this woman for doing what she wanted with no excuses.

 

 

Story 2: How I Grew from a Difficult Experience

 

Those of you who know me well might know that I love to be a good student and learn all I can. As a consequence, after Roman’s talks I often had questions. I was particularly interested in learning all I could about Jungian psychology and his dream interpretations, as I use symbols in my work with sand tray and psychodrama. Also, he said that the plant medicines speak in symbolic language.

 

About a week into the retreat, I asked Roman a question, and I had a feeling that my question was not well received. I was surprised and confused, sensing something was not right. I went up to him after the talk to ask privately what he meant. He answered me with the same energy. I then walked down below the temple to wash my lunch dish, feeling shaken from the interaction. Reflecting back, my sense of safety and trust in Roman was lost, and I felt scared. I saw Roman near the washing area, and I said, “I am not trying to be any particular way. I am here to learn and do my own work.” He told me that he realized he had become impatient with me. I believe he meant this as an apology.

 

Still, I was overcome with emotion. I went back to my hut and cried. Then I wrote in my journal. After being with my feelings and gaining clarity, I saw that this happened for a reason: for me to grow. I found my center and realized I had been giving my power away to Roman. I was abandoning myself and acting as if he was the authority and I didn’t know anything. Part of my reason for coming to the retreat was to learn to be more independent, listen to my inner voice, my intuition and to what my body told me. So here I was, having an opportunity to practice just that. I took my power back. I decided to listen to myself more, to ask fewer questions and to trust what I knew. I opened my heart to myself. I also opened my heart to Roman. I reflected upon how many people I have triggered in my role as a group leader, how I don’t always do it perfectly.  Just as I can accept my own impatience, I can accept Roman’s.

 

Later that evening, when I returned to the temple for a ceremony, I had the opportunity to tell Roman that I realized my part in what happened. He said that he had a breakthrough as well. At the start of the ceremony, he shared a reading entitled Impatience written by his Buddhist teacher. He told the group how he realized he was feeling impatient, and that he too was in an ongoing process of learning and growing. Later he told us that his Buddhist teacher told him that the only way to measure spiritual growth is by how much patience and kindness you practice.

 

My feelings of mistrust of Roman again showed up in the next few days. But through our interactions and working with myself, the energy cleared. My relationship with Roman was a gift, which takes me to my next and favorite story.

 

 

Story 3: A Delightful, Profound Experience and a Total Surprise

 

When I signed up for the retreat, I never expected that my spiritual connection to Judaism would grow at the retreat. About a week or two before I left home, a former retreat participant told me that Roman was Jewish. Roman told me that his grandfather lost his family, including children, in the Holocaust.

 

During the ceremonies, Roman encouraged us to sing. He emphasized that it did not matter how well we sang, but to sing from the heart and share our voices. With that encouragement, I shared many of the Hebrew and Yiddish songs that I have sung since I was a child and continue to touch my soul.

 

During the Ayahuasca ceremonies, Roman invited people to come up for a limpia, a cleansing or a blessing. Part way into the final ceremony, Roman invited me to come up.  Just before he asked, I was thinking about singing a Hebrew prayer, the Shema, which means Listen! It is the most common Hebrew prayer, sung at every service--morning, noon and night. If you have ever been to a synagogue, you have heard it. Its basic meaning is Listen, God is One. The song feels ancient to me, like a plaintive chant or cry. When Roman invited me to come for a limpia, I asked if I could sing a song first. That evening, Roman was recording songs for his wife and newborn baby to hear at home. I sat in front of the group near the recorder, and I sang the Shema from my heart. Roman said the baby would like it.

 

I then moved to sit facing Roman to receive the limpia. As he began, it took a moment or two for me to realize that he was singing to me in Hebrew, and another moment to realize that, although I did not know the melody, I knew the words and understood their meaning. I was delighted. Once I caught on to what was happening, I sang with him.

 

The song he sang was David’s Psalm 27:4. It means One thing I ask of you God…this I seek: to dwell in the house of God all the days of my life, to behold God’s beauty and to visit God’s sanctuary. When he finished singing, Roman said to me, “This song is an exorcism of all the demons who tell you that you are separate.”

 

I was surprised and delighted. Here I was, on a remote mountain in Peru, in an Ayahuasca ceremony with a young Jewish man from Czechoslovakia singing to me in Hebrew, and blessing me with a message I so deeply needed to receive! The whole experience was so outside my everyday life and totally unexpected. It was beautiful. I felt held by the group, loved and loving. I truly felt blessed and will always be grateful. To end the limpia, Roman took my head in his hands and put our foreheads together.

 

 

Some Closing Reflections

                                                                                                                                                              

My first few days at the retreat were challenging.  I wished I had a friend with me. I was the oldest person on the retreat, and the two people closest to my age--66 and 54--were a couple. Though they were kind and supportive, I missed my partner Sheryl and felt lonely. But in the months preceding the retreat, I had been thinking of wanting to have more young people in my life, and so there I was with people mostly in their twenties and early thirties. I reached out and was rewarded with warmth and friendship. Some of them affectionately called me grandma! Yet, there were times I missed not being with more people my age. However, that was small in comparison to how much I fell in love with everyone in our group. I miss each person. As with any positive group experience in which people are vulnerable and open, the true essence of each person shines through. And our true essence is beautiful.

 

When returning from any retreat, the real work begins when you get back to your everyday life. It took me a while to want to go out into the world, to drive or be far from home. This is my fifth week home and I am feeling a strong desire to see friends. The first week back I could not bring myself to go to work. I enjoy my work and care deeply for my clients, but I needed to be quiet. I did, however, spend a few hours each day at my computer--catching up, connecting to people, responding to emails and phone calls. As long as this work was not all day, I could still connect into the feeling of calm and expansiveness I came home with.

 

Since I have been home, I’ve been reading Buddhist books every day and meditating each morning. I remember how present I was when I meditated with the group in Peru and notice how different I feel now. Writing about my experience, I am connecting back to what it was like to be there.  I want to continue to remember.

 

In the past week, I went to a new (for me) Tibetan Buddhist center in my town. In addition, I called a piano teacher who says she can help me with singing. I greatly enjoyed singing in the ceremony circles and want to incorporate this more into my life.

 

While in Peru I loved being in nature, far away from phones and internet and noise. I did not miss any of the amenities we have at home. Living simply for a period of time is a true gift. My basic needs were well taken care of by the service team, leaving time to learn and be with myself in nature. I loved the quiet--only hearing sounds of the river, wind, trees, birds, insects. No electrical lines, just a small amount of solar power. No cars. I don’t even remember hearing planes. The stars covered the night skies. And the mountains… the Andes are magnificent.

 

Before I left for the retreat, I knew I needed to make changes in my life, to slow the pace, to have more time for myself. I am still pondering how to do this. I am committed to not going back to how my life was before the retreat. I have made small changes in my work and will make some more. I am practicing kindness and patience with myself and with others.

 

At the retreat, I experienced a relaxed, slowed down, centered, open–hearted presence. I experienced being at one with nature. I know I can’t cling to that. At the same time, I can continue practices that bring me closer to realizing my true nature.

 

In closure, I want to say something about my experience being in Peru. On my first trip to Peru, my friends and I met Mario Osorio Olazabel and a group of his students. On this trip, I got to visit with Mario and know some of the people in his circle better. Through them, I came to see that there is more to Peru than meets the eye. Mario has written 30 books about the pre-Incan history of Peru. (One is translated into English and can be bought through Lulu Press.)

 

I still know very little about Peru, but here are a couple of facts I learned:

 

-There are 90 different micro-climates in Peru, making it one of the most bio-diverse countries on the planet.

-The potato is originally from Peru, and there are over 3000 different varieties.

 

Peru has a unique environment. I am just beginning to learn about the enormous contributions it has made to the world. I am grateful I have had the opportunity to travel there and hope to return.

 

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Thanks for reading. I feel blessed to have you in my life!

I look forward to connecting.

Sylvia